“I Wish You Would Get Angry”

“I wish you would get angry” the words I heard from my therapist today. I have spent the rest of the day reflecting on that. I have reached deep inside to search for anger. I am wise enough to know that unexpressed anger can be fatal. Have I suppressed anger? Did I bury it? I have never been one to hide my anger ever in life, so this is a perplexing situation I find myself in today. My therapist said you should be angry with some issues in your life. I just think I spent so much of my life being angry I finally used it all up.

I do feel some other emotions, but anger is not one of them. I think in the last few weeks I just decided to stop being anger about anything that happens. I am not choosing to ignore life or live in denial. I just find if I feel angry it washes over me quickly so I can reach a place of understanding. My therapist says you give too much unconditional love. I thought about that too. On the surface, that looks like I am compromising my own values and self for another. Honestly, I give unconditional love, because it make me feel good. It took a lot of years for me to learn love makes me feel good and anger makes me feel bad. It is a very simple concept that took an enormous amount of time to learn. Honestly, I claim no responsibility in learning this either. Frankly, the anger was just taken from me. I am not sure I have the complete power to forgive on my own and release anger. After all, I certainly was not born with the skill. I believe it comes from a place of divine intervention.

I think you get to a point in life in which you ask yourself what it the point of carrying anger? If I have anger it gets in the way of loving others. It gets in the way of embracing the beauty of life. Anger only brings me true misery. Oh, I can make others miserable with my anger, but in the end, it poisons me.

I am going to be truthful, I have seen a lot of shit in my life, unfair shit, mean shit, nasty shit, selfish shit, rude shit, and angry shit. For me to hold upset and anger for these experiences just destroys my soul.
Truthfully, all the issues that bring anger have nothing to do with me. That is someone else’s fears and lack of ability to love.

So to my therapist, I would love to get angry, but I just don’t have it in me. At least not today and I hope not tomorrow. I would like to think that emotion is now quickly felt, passes and is replaced with compassion, empathy and love. It is the damnedest thing, in the middle of the darkest events, your emotional self grows the most. I guess in the past, I was too angry to grow. Today, I just accept life on life’s terms. Yesterday was a day like that. I should have been angry for a lot of reasons. When the shock wore off, I laughed at my situations.

Today I give thanks that I am all out of anger. Thank God I used it up. May you use your anger up and love too much…………it is fabulous when you get there!

The Truth In All We Do

It took me a long time to understand honesty. I don’t mean in the sense as we learn to tell the truth as young children. I mean it took me a long time to learn to be truthful with myself.

I actually felt I had a better understanding of being truthful with myself as a teenager. I remember having a good sense of self as a young adult. Where things got screwy was sometime in my twenties. I stopped listening to my intuition at about that time. I can’t really tell you why I stopped listening to myself. I would say the simplest answer is just a lack of self-confidence in listening to what felt right or wrong. Everything around me felt wrong so I learned to accept that life feels bad. I had no understand of intuition or spiritual wellness at the time.

I spent until I hit forty living in misery. Looking back on it, I had a good life. Nothing is much different today than then. It is more about how I cope with life or my out look. In my late thirties I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was depressed and felt unfulfilled. As a matter of fact, I was so gloomy people use to remark all the time they did not understand why I was so unhappy with all the blessings I had. I do believe some of my inability to find joy was I have celiac disease that was not diagnosed. I just felt sick all the time. I seemed to peak after my second child was born. The disease became debilitating. I would spend weeks at a time in bed, with no really reason as to why I felt ill. As with all affairs in my life that become unmanageable, I started to pray.

I have shared before I am not a religious person, however I was raised in a religious setting. I had learned as a small child to pray. One thing I did know for sure, since birth, was there is a higher power. I never had that doubt. I remember being a child feeling and embracing the powers beyond what I could see. I could readily feel angels, spirit guides, or intuition with me at all times. In fact, I believe, during imaginary play, I had dialogues with my guides. I simply have memories of singing, dancing, playing and chattering away with a sense of joy and peace. Looking back, I could simply write it off as normal child’s play, but I believe today it was more than that.

I come from a family with highly developed in metaphysical gifts. My mother’s brother could remember his pass lives. As a child, he would remark, as traveling around their home town, of living in places before or the places he had been. He recently shared this story with our family once again. We kind of laugh about it together. His grandson, as a small child, talked to angels and departed souls. My mother has telepathic connections and physic knowings. I feel badly for her, because her physic knowings can be frightening. Once, she got very ill in church, physically ill. She closed her eyes and say the word death. The next day, she read in the newspaper four people had been killed at a four-way stop by the church at the time she felt ill. My oldest daughter shares the gifts of her mother and grandmother. Being so young, it often scares her to feel what she does. For example, she knew my father was going to pass several days before he did. She was with me and my mother during a surgery he had and his recovery. All had gone well, my daughter and I needed to return home, but I was going back to my hometown to help my mother once my dad was home recovering. The day before my dad was to come home he died suddenly of a heartache while in the hospital. As the story goes, the evening we left to go home, I could not get my daughter to leave the hospital. She kept telling me she did not want to leave him. In the hospital lobby she sobbed and sobbed, I could not get her leave. Finally, I told her we had to go home, but would return later that week to see him. I told her he would be fine. The truth is she knew. She later shared that she knew he was going to die. As you can see the family all share some kind of unearthly gifts. We never really talk about them and certainly do not embrace them. Since none of what we experience is rooted in logic we dismiss what happens.

My intuition is highly developed. I have a knowing about the outcome of events before they happen. I can see a clear picture of what will happen in a situation before it happens. By all rights, I have no idea how I know. Time and time again what I feel will happen does happens. It is not just tied to me, either. I can see these events in reference to others lives as well. As a young adult it was maddening to cope with this trait. I would get so angry being able to share what a person should do to avoid disaster and have my warnings ignored. Eventually, I stopped sharing what I knew. I would just quietly watch it unfold. I suppose with age I learned that everyone has to walk their own path. I started to simply use my intuition to guide myself and not others unless I was certain they wanted my knowledge. I had to learn how to cope with my gift in a way that I could be at peace and allow those around me to walk their own journey, even if I knew the path they took was going to be a hard lesson.

So back to my awakening…………I began to pray for an answer to my health issues. It took several years, but the knowledge of what to do came. That knowledge never came from a doctor either. Once I felt better it seemed my outlook on life improved a great deal. That is when I was able to embark on a spiritual journey of the truth. The truth of what was inside me. I started to eliminate any and all that was not serving me in a positive way. I learned to accept God’s plan and not fight His timing. In the simplest terms, I learned to let go. I let go of childhood hurts. I learned to forgive everyone that ever caused me pain. I came to realize that true joy came from forgiveness. You forgive for you not the other person.

All of this lead me to the last three years of my life. I was given an opportunity to love unconditionally, learn to be vulnerable with another soul is ways that are unimaginable and I had more awakens. I learned the importance of living in the moment. I learned that my plan is not God’s plan. The greatest lesson is I learned that if you love someone you set them free to walk his or her path. I also know with certainty, just because we walk different paths today, there is no universal law that says we will not walk a shared path ever again.

You might ask do you have a knowing about the outcome of this event. I absolutely do! It is curse to know the outcome and not see the clear path ahead of you. I will not share what I know will transpire. If I share it could alter the outcome of the experience. It is not my job to intervene in another soul’s journey unless I am called upon. Today, I have been clearly asked to leave. If and when I am invited back I will go graciously with an open heart. A heart that is healed and full of love. I need to have a heart healed heart full of love to move on with my own life as well. It does not serve me to be full of anger or upset. It makes no sense to be upset over God’s plan. It is like a small child throwing a tantrum because a parent does not give her or him what is desired. I trust the plan. I trust my truth. I am honest with myself today. If I could ever pass one piece of wisdom along in life it would be to find truth and honesty with yourself. It is the path to peace.

More Will Be Revealed

To the angel that taught me this concept, you gave me the greatest gift of life. Without it today, I would be a lost soul in darkness.

There is nothing more frustrating in life than to not understand the path in front of you. I am not sure if I was taught that or it is innate, but, I like a plan. It does not have to be a plan written in stone, but I like an outline of what I might like to see happen.

I learned when I was a teacher that plans were never written in stone and how to react in a moments notice to regroup and redirect. I am very comfortable altering a plan. I feel the best outcomes are having a plan and being able to just roll with it when the plan is not working. Frankly, it got to the point that I would just jot down a rough idea of what was going to happen in a class period then let it unfold. I always had the ideas focused on a end goal, but how I got there seemed irrelevant. As long as my students were achieving success, I didn’t much care about strict lesson plans. I would say I transferred that philosophy over into parenting as well. We have some goals set, a rough plan and we just let it happen.

Now, here comes my battle. It is an internal battle. What happens when the plan falls totally apart? What happens when you think you understand your path in life and it all of a sudden changes. It feels like being lost. I am talking about knowing in your heart the end of the story still feels like your soul’s mission, yet, right now, in this moment, the path is unclear. When your control of even just regrouping and redirecting is not an option how do you cope. I have found myself in that place a lot in my life recently. The plan just doesn’t even exist anymore. Well, at least, it feels like the plan doesn’t exist. There is a plan. It’s a great plan. It is a plan that I could never even imagine for myself.

Frankly, it is a great blessing that God does not let me handle all the planning. He creates a life far better for me than I could ever imagine. Much like the lesson plans I use to create for my students, when allowed to unfold, it is better than I could ever imagine. However, when the vision becomes really unclear fear takes over. It is natural to feel afraid when you feel lost. It is at this time, I really, really have to ask for guidance from above. I am not highly religious, but I am very spiritual. I certainly believe every thing happens for a reason in life. I knew this since I was a small child. My problem is trusting that a higher power is in control and I will be ok. I will be better than ok.

So what I do in the dark scary night, when the demons of your mind like to play, is pray. The best way to start is beginning finding things that are right in my life. I really have more blessings than hardship. The next step is ask for help. Pray for an outcome you would like to see. I like to keep my intentions focused on prayers for healing for others and myself. I understand that if I am in a painful situation that there is healing needed for me and likely, other people. So I pray that I get the guidance for the next best step. I pray that the other souls involved receive healing and peace. Then, and this huge, I ask for the ability to forgive any hurts I have received. Once, I forgive I can heal. Lastly, I turn it all over to God knowing I am powerless over my life. I can only ask for the signs to know how to make the highest spiritual choices that are aligned with His plan. In the end, you see, God is in charge. His plan happens in divine timing not on my timeline.

I will not lie and say it is not hard sometimes to find the blessings in a very hurtful event. There is always, always, always, something positive to be grateful for in even the most horrible situations. If you can find the positive, you can find peace then healing can take place. Once you start to heal then more can be reveal as to where the path is going.

The Sign

I find if I quietly wait, and ask God for answers or directions they always come to me. The key is to know what to look for around you. There is nothing placed in your path or pain view that was not intended to be clue to the next step in life. Some of the signs are subtle and some are profound. It is as if life is a giant game. Each step of the way you need to roll the dice or spin the wheel to find out how to progress to the end of the game. Along the way you see clues to how to proceed next in your life. I have found the messages come from all kinds of sources.

I live my life fully aware of all around me. Higher messages from God come from people, nature or just subtle feelings. I find myself in never ending doubt of my own intuition. Even though, I have been blessed with a keen sense within myself, an inner knowing of how I should proceed in life, if I do not see it manifesting around me I begin to have self doubt and fear. The truth is I know before I can actually see the manifestation before me. You would think having a gift like this since birth and endless validations that my keen sense never fails me would be enough. Yet, I live in doubt of my own gifts.

I always speech about not knowing how matters will proceed or end up. It is true when I am confused, hurt, tired, or lost I do not know. My radar is down. At these times I pray for guidance. If I can get to a place of peace, God always shows me the way. Given the last week, last year or last three years have been horribly challenging I find myself in continuous prayer. If I am present God always delivers a sign for the next right step. You can only see the messages if you are very aware and do not dismiss something that catches your eye. The simple fact you have your attention draw to a person, part of nature or feeling is a way God is speaking to you.

I happen to know how my situation will end up with my love. I know already. It has not, yet even transpired. How do I know? First, I know from a gut feeling. Of course, since I already said I doubt my own God given gift that is not enough. God, being patience as He is with his children, then presents more information that
seems more concrete. In this case, I have been so lost in my own guidance system He has not once, twice or three times sent me the same message from different people, but He has given the same message to me five times. At first, I thought the message was coming from well meaning people that hated to see me in pain. Finally, after the fifth person delivered the same exact, almost word for word dialogue I paused to realize this meant something. I began to think this is not people giving me words I want to hear, it is words they believe about my life, an outcome they see. Ironically, following this light bulb moment, I came upon an article that supported the information I was receiving. I am not going to disclose what I have learned. I will simply say, time is of the essence here. That my life is unfolding on God’s timeline and not mine.

It would be really nice if I had more faith in myself and God for that matter. I am still learning that in fear I panic. As my therapist say, when we are stressed we regress. I believe that with all my heart. Until I reach a new level of faith in myself, at least I can know for sure God will keep sending me the support to know what is the next step or at least knowledge of what will happen eventually. The most important thing right now is I must focus on self. It is easy to loss a sense of self in a deep emotional soul connection. I must focus on my true purpose here for awhile. Once I reestablish my purpose the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.

The Truth Appears In Your Sleep

I know I will be ok, but I am tired of having to be ok. In the last three years, my husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, my dad got sick and passed, my mom had cancer and my love broke up with two separate time. I am tired of having to figure how to be ok in the mist of so much.

They say God gives you what you can handle. I have no great words of wisdom from the journey of the last three years. I do know I have made peace with many I was having conflict with for decades. All the karma I had to clear to be at peace has happened. The one person that helped me clear my baggage has left. The only problem with that is I now share baggage with him.

I had a very bizarre dream last night. A dream I have never had. I was eating glass. As I spit out the glass my husband was frantically trying to piece the small bottle, that had been in my mouth back together. Parts of the bottle were missing. I had swallowed glass. I search the meaning of the dream. What it said frightened me. The meaning is that of fragility. It is the psyche working out oppressed feelings in your life. The meaning indicates a serious emotional issue. It is not surprising after the three years I have had I feel fragile. I feel like ever inch of my soul has been exposed and all my nerves are uncovered. It has reached such limit that my sleeping state must clear what my reality has become. The laughable part is I have not really been sleeping at all, when I do my psyche is house cleaning.

Now that I know what my head does on the pillow, I am beginning to question am I really ok? Do we say we are ok, because we wish it so? Maybe I say I am ok, because I want others to not be concerned. I don’t want to be the person that is not ok. I am trying to pick up the pieces of the last week. I need to start a new chapter in my life. I am meeting new people. I know I am eating glass in my sleep. I cringe at the thought. The truth is new friends do not want to know your life circumstances are such that you struggle every day to be ok.

I count my blessings each day. For I know things could be much worse and I have so much. The question is does my own mind believe it. The truth appears in your sleep.

I Was Bad.

I have been blessed to have many people reach out to me during this time of pain. One person said to me, please don’t stop writing. Your words are helping me. It has always been my intent to take all my experiences in life, both good and bad, and share. After all I have gained wisdom from walking my path.

It is difficult to share today. It has not been easy to share about my life at all. When you are in pain, you want to just curl up and die. I realized the sooner I confront my pain the sooner I can release it into the hands of God to heal. I had a bad moment yesterday. I did not behave in a way I normally do. I acted out in a way that makes me feel shameful. Worst of all, I hurt someone I love beyond reason.

The stress of the separation has been overwhelmingly full of pain, exhaustion and pure misery. The level of unconditional love that was being asked of me, become too much for me to bare. Unfortunately, I did not have a grasp of my feelings or time to gather myself to act in a healthy way. My pain that had been building, out of control. for newly a week, came pouring out of me. That pain slapped my love right in the face. It doesn’t really matter what he said that made me snap to acted in a way that would be featured on a reality show. The fact is I did not stay true to the best version of myself. Most people say that happens. We are human. He deserves it after what he has done to you. The truth is no matter what he has or has not done, there is no excuse for my lashing out.

The end result was him declaring he does not want to see me. He stated that he needed that moment to validate he made the right decisions to separate. I apologized several times for my actions. As I reflect, I understand that the event happened for a reason. We were not going to be able to do what we wanted to do or or maybe I could not do what he wanted to do. As much as I wanted to remain apart of his life right now while he saw other women, in the end, I just could not do it. Instead of really thinking about what I could do or not do, my anger and pain became apparent. I reached the end of my rope, pushed over the edge, or hit my boiling point. None of these excuse my action of lashing out at someone that was doing his best to make this difficult time easier for me. The truth is you can not get comfort from the one that is hurting you. That becomes a game of insanity. I was on the crazy train heading for derailment. I do feel all his actions have been from the highest place of love for me. Although, I believe he has blind spots in understanding how greatly the whole ordeal has destroyed my very soul.

After this event, we parted ways, but first, he said, “I will always love you”. I do believe that, just as I will always love him. I think that is why I am so upset that I was not able to be loving towards him yesterday. The truth is I do love him and I caused him pain. Until that very moment, I had not caused him pain. I have hope when the dust settles we can truly be friends again. I just think it is too hard for me right now. I hope in time he will forgive me for yesterday. As horrible as it was, I know it was in the plan. God saw me breaking. It truly was a moment I needed to take back my power. In loving him so much, I had lost myself. I wish I could have taken my power back in a kind way. Yet, more spiritual growing for me in the future.

The reality is he and I both have more emotional growth to do in life. The deep emotional connection, that we both validate, can not survive in the face of ego. Maybe the separation is so we can grow individually and later enjoy the gift God gave us as a couple again. Maybe the separation is forever, because one or both will never reach emotional maturity. I do not have that answer. Only God knows that answer. Right now God is saying you are both not ready for what I gave you. He is taking it away until we appreciate the deep, unconditional love we share in a healthy way.

Fearless

I have always loved the word fearless. It is what I always wished I could be in life. It seemed like I was always the opposite. Being full of worry, doubt, and panic was a way of life for me. To be fearless sounded awesome. Then it hit me, I have become fearless. Fearless is simply choosing love.

When it comes to emotions there are only two in the universe, fear or love. All emotions, behaviors, and actions stem from these two principles. We make it complicated by have a million terms to describe each of them. Fear leaves you in misery. Love leaves you in peace. There is a kind of love that is the ultimate in fearless. I was blessed to receive it.

When describing a soul connection relationship, it becomes difficult for others to understand the dynamics. As I have shared before, I can not even understand them myself. The connection is so bizarre the partners do unheard of acts of kindness for the other. As I wallowed in my pain for days, trying to wrap my head around the separation I learned of an act of kindness that is astounding fearless.

Smuggly, I held the belief I was the one acting in the ultimate unconditional love. After all I had committed all the selfless acts of love, so I thought toward my love. The reason for the separation is one of freedom. A freedom to explore what life may bring, to be open to what God has planned. Certain circumstances in my loves life had unfold to require this freedom. We knew this from months before. I had, without much grace, agreed to this need to search beyond our relationship. What I didn’t know is my love, had placed my needs far above his own for an extended period of time. Fearlessly, setting aside his needs so I could be emotionally safe, he denied himself what his soul needs. You see I had no idea he was doing this. I had thought I agreed to his request so I figured he was going about his business. He feels so strongly about never deceivimg me or causing me pain he did not act on what he knew would hurt me. As I wallowed in my own pain, I came to learn I had received the greatest gift of love. Someone had placed my well being far above his or her own. Ironically, before I learned of what my love had done, I, too, had offered a great act of love. Without fuss or fight, I released him, from us, gracefully, to walk his path. This was my first true act of being fearless.

I know in my heart he must leave me for a bit to know what can be. One can never hold a bird tightly in the one’s hand. The bird must always have the ability to fly. The bird may return or not, it is never known, however the moments in which one holds the bird are extraordinary.

As of today we are amazing friends. We are helping each other through this most difficult time. We are searching for a way he can fly while creating a new chapter for us. The future is unclear. We have no idea what either of will find walking separate paths. We may go in different directions forever. We may go different directions and merge our paths together again. Time is what will tell the rest of the story. All that is clear is we share an extraordinary love that refuses to allow either to let the other walk any path alone.

The Throw Away Woman

There has not been a single man I was in love with that has not thrown me away. Those words sound harsh or full of self-pity, but for lack of a better term, I am the throw away woman. I know everyone experience rejection in life. The astonishing experience in my life is I have never been not broken up with in all my relationships. The next question would be what is wrong with this woman? Clearly, if no man could find her a suitable partner she must be broken. I believed that for a long time about myself.

Finally, after my marriage had ended emotionally, at age 43, I decided it was time for learn what is wrong with me. After all, I spend my whole life hearing the problems were with me. I bravely started seeing a therapist. I had reached a time in my life were I was ready to face all the issues that those around me found intolerable. I was ready to learn, listen and work to be a better version of me. What I learned was of complete shock to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, I am deemed to be in better emotional health than most people. I looked at my therapist in disbelief. That is impossible. Everyone says I am crazy. From that day on we explored the relationships I have in my life and exactly the issues that existed. Ironically, my responsibility was to learn coping tools for those around me. Sadly, I am surrounded by many that are not as emotionally healthy as me that resulted in my experiences.

At the time, I started therapy, I had just met my love. Right before I met him, I had resided myself to the fact some women just did not get to experience love like I envisioned. I was completely ready to let go of the romantic notions that I held about love. I had decided I could live a full life without a romantic partner. He changed how I felt. The walls around my heart came down to allow me to pour all the love I am into him. Parts of me that I thought had long died woke up during this time. I began to dream again of a future. I saw the possibility that it was not too late for a life filled with a lover, friend, and companion. I was overjoyed. Yes, it seemed like to take a long time, lots of sorrow and heartbreak, but my time had come.

As I share these thoughts I find myself once again as the throw away woman. Yet, this time, it is somehow different. In the past, I could look back and see how I handled myself or why the relationship did not work. Previously, I had not been willing to look so deeply into myself. My old self spent a lot of time defending my character flaws. This time, as painful as it was, I embraced my flaws for understanding and growth. I pushed myself to be the best version of myself. I was a student of life. I learned how to heal and understand my past pain. I learned to forgive others for the role they played in my life. I forgave myself. During this relationship I took responsibility for me. I did not blame him or look to him for my happiness. He made me happy, but that was my responsibility to care for my own well being.

As I struggle with the pain of rejection once more, I realize it is not my fault I can not find lasting love. Maybe love is not meant to last. Maybe love is not meant to last for me. Maybe the love ending all these times have little to do with me. The truth this time is I do not know why it did not work. I just know I left it all on the field this time. I made my mind up this time I was not going to have regret. I was not going to play the game that I should have done it differently. This time I walk away knowing I gave the best I have to give. That just has to be enough. Like objects that break, so do relationships. So times things stop working for no real reason. The object just breaks and we throw it away. Maybe for all of us throw away women we are not the broken ones. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship broke.

Ironically, in each case, except one, I had the other person contact after the break up. It has always been the same conversation. He always says I made a mistake breaking up with you. He says you are an amazing person. I hear I miss you. I need you in my life. You are the best woman I ever met. I have never returned to any of those relationships after the conversations. I am kind and grateful for the validation is was not my fault the relationship broke. I am far beyond playing the blame game in life. People are flawed and imperfect. Relationships are made of up of people. Some imperfections in life can be beautiful and thrive. The imperfections of my relationships could not thrive. Maybe that is due to a different points of view of how a relationship looks. It looks flawed, it looks imperfect, because it is. There is beauty in the imperfect, but some are blind to that. They search and search for the perfect relationship and the perfect partner. There is no such thing. It is an illusion, because nothing is perfect in this world. God made us beautifully imperfect. I just can’t find the man who shares my understanding. So until I do, I will remain the throw away woman.

The Throw Away Woman

There has not been a single man I was in love with that has not thrown me away. Those words sound harsh or full of self-pity, but for lack of a better term, I am the throw away woman. I know everyone experience rejection in life. The astonishing experience in my life is I have never been not broken up with in all my relationships. The next question would be what is wrong with this woman? Clearly, if no man could find her a suitable partner she must be broken. I believed that for a long time about myself.

Finally, after my marriage had ended emotionally, at age 43, I decided it was time for learn what is wrong with me. After all, I spend my whole life hearing the problems were with me. I bravely started seeing a therapist. I had reached a time in my life were I was ready to face all the issues that those around me found intolerable. I was ready to learn, listen and work to be a better version of me. What I learned was of complete shock to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, I am deemed to be in better emotional health than most people. I looked at my therapist in disbelief. That is impossible. Everyone says I am crazy. From that day on we explored the relationships I have in my life and exactly the issues that existed. Ironically, my responsibility was to learn coping tools for those around me. Sadly, I am surrounded by many that are not as emotionally healthy as me that resulted in my experiences.

At the time, I started therapy, I had just met my love. Right before I met him, I had resided myself to the fact some women just did not get to experience love like I envisioned. I was completely ready to let go of the romantic notions that I held about love. I had decided I could live a full life without a romantic partner. He changed how I felt. The walls around my heart came down to allow me to pour all the love I am into him. Parts of me that I thought had long died woke up during this time. I began to dream again of a future. I saw the possibility that it was not too late for a life filled with a lover, friend, and companion. I was overjoyed. Yes, it seemed like to took a long time, lots of sorrow and heartbreak, but my time had come.

As I share these thoughts I find myself once again as the throw away woman. Yet, this time, it is somehow different. In the past, I could look back and see how I handled myself or why the relationship did not work. Previously, I had not been willing to look so deeply into myself. My old self spends a lot of time defending my character flaws. This time, as painful as it was, I embraced my flaws for understanding and growth. I pushed myself to be the best version of myself. I was a student of life. I learned how to heal and understand my past pain. I learned to forgive others for the role they played in my life. I forgave myself. During this relationship I took responsibility for me. I did not blame him or look to him for my happiness. He made me happy, but that was my responsibility to care for my own well being.

As I struggle with the pain of rejection once more, I realize it is not my fault I can not find lasting love. Maybe love is not meant to last. Maybe love is not meant to last for me. Maybe the love ending all these times have little to do with me. The truth this time is I do not know why it did not work. I just know I left it all on the field this time. I made my mind up this time I was not going to have regret. I was not going to play the game that I should have done it differently. This time I walk away knowing I gave the best I have to give. That just has to be enough. Like objects that break, so do relationships. So times things stop working for no real reason. The object just breaks and we throw it away. Maybe for all of us throw away women we are not the broken ones. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship broke.

Ironically, in each case, except one, I had the other person contact after the break up. It has always been the same conversation. He always says I made a mistake breaking up with you. He says you are an amazing person. I hear I miss you. I need you in my life. You are the best woman I ever met. I have never returned to any of those relationships after the conversations. I am kind and grateful for the validation is was not my fault the relationship broke. I am far beyond playing the blame game in life. People are flawed and imperfect. Relationships are made of up of people. Some imperfections in life can be beautiful and thrive. The imperfections of my relationships could not thrive. Maybe that is due to a different points of view of how a relationship looks. It looks flawed, it looks imperfect, because it is. There is beauty in the imperfect, but some are blind to that. They search and search for the perfect relationship and the perfect partner. There is no such thing. It is an illusion, because nothing is perfect in this world. God made us beautifully imperfect. I just can’t find the man who shares my understanding. So until I do, I will remain the throw away woman.

Being Naked

There is nothing more scary than being emotionally naked and exposed. That is exactly where I found myself today. Not only emotionally nude in front of my love, but the entire world.

I thought I understood love. After all, I had gotten married, had babies and owned pets, all of which are different levels of love. Nothing could have prepared me for the roller coaster I rode in love with my love. There is nothing like soul connection love. It is close to the kind of love you feel for your child, but it different. Soul love is rooted in seeing yourself in the other person. All acts of aggression or love impact you as deeply as it impacts your mate. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a person. He was exactly on the same path of emotional growth as me. We share the love of healthy living, and the same sense of humor. We are matched on so many levels it not imaginable. I have always said if I knew him in kindergarten he would have been my friend. We would play in the sand box and swings together. The connection is unable to be explained. At times, we would be texting each other the same messages nearly word for word. It was like being with yourself, but in a different body.
The kind of love that comes with such a connection is unconditional love. It forces the two souls to deal with the ugly, dirty, and darkest parts of the beings. Nothing remains hidden and the experience is terrifying. Given I am a strong woman who wears an outside shell-like armor, good luck breaking down the walls to my heart. It became apparent very quickly if this love was to mature and last that is exactly what had to happen.

I was not born wearing a turtle shell. As a matter of fact, my poor mother did not know how to deal with me. I am so empathic to the world around me feeling all the pain, I had to build walls to survive. As life happened, the more strength I gained, thicker the armor became and the walls around my heart were erected. Given my love and I do nothing independently, including being born less than 24 hours apart, we embarked on personal crisis about three years before we met. He had his own rock bottom, one that most people never experience that included a spiritual awakening. I, too, had a spiritual awakening during the same time. Our lives nearly parallel each others. Even though we had grown up in different states, I had visited his home town when I was teenager and he had been within miles of me during our college years. By the time we met, we were both on similar paths and many hurts of our earlier life experience were in the process of healing.

The big injuries we both carried had been dealt with before we met. It was that fact that allowed us to even match up. Both had embarked on a life of spiritual well-being, sound body and mind at that point. However, soul connection bonds require so much more. Of course, this meeting was not perfectly time, well, it was God’s perfect time, just not on paper. Engrossed in establishing a new way of life for my family, while engaging in this new kind of love my father fell ill and died suddenly. In the process of grieving, doing soul growth work was not the best timing. I have long learned not to question God’s plan. I know better to fight His plan. So as I grasped to accept the death of my father I was also being forced to shed all my armor that protected my heart to my love. The love connection demanded a complete abandonment of self, with honesty and lack of judgement. Every time I felt I had completed a task of soul growth another challenge appeared. Of course, God gives us free will, but I knew it was now or later so I just picked now. The funny thing is none of this took place in plain sight. On the surface, it appeared to be petty drama and conflict. My first reaction was always to roll my eyes, because that is what your ego does. I knew deep inside the drama was present, because of character flaws I must address. My love felt my energy just as I knew his. I could run from him, but never hide. Last August, on the heels of my dad’s death, the last of the walls around my heart had to fall. Facing a list of character flaws that were damaging our relationship, I dredged off to therapy and started using tools of recovery to address growing in a home with alcoholism. What I ended up with six months later is a soul cleansing. The last of the walls around my heart fell and my outer shell layers thinner. Now is where the happy ending should arrive, but that is not the case. Standing completely emotionally unprotected with my heart exposed, my love has disconnected from the relationship. I will never speak ill of him. He has given me the greatest gift in forcing me to heal at the soul level. I am not even certain he truly understand the profound impact the relationship has had on me. It is not something easily observed. Only subtle personality traits reflect the profound change within me. I suspect the only way he would ever know what this has done would be to read these words.

I have learned to live only in the moment for it is all we have. I am not certain if our story has ended or this is just another chapter in the book. I do know I stand before God and the world completely naked today, emotionally exposed waiting of the next clear step. As the saying goes………….more will be revealed.