What I Forgot To Do

What I Forgot To Do

I realize something I had forgotten to do the during this time of heartbreak. I forgot to allow myself to feel rejected. I uttered those words to a friend today. I was afraid to admit it. What did feeling rejected mean for me. Would it damage my self-esteem that took decades to build? Did it mean all the validation in therapy sessions of me being in a healthy emotional state is untrue? All it means is I recognize I feel rejected.

It is a kind of rejection I have never felt. The relationship did not fail due to my physical appearance or even the emotional bond lacking. The relationship failed at the soul level. How do you ever grasp and recover from that? What is soul level failure anyway? Well, it is a connection so deep it dwells in the soul. The connection defies all principles of traditional romantic love. It is a bond that lives on well after separation. In this case the connection failed. There’s a lot of complicated explanations why it did not thrive. In simplest terms it was not ready to thrive. The intensity of the connection was such the energy was too much to handle. It may seem I have lost my mind. I would agree, but when this happened to me I searched for answers. The truth is such connections do exist and there is lots of information about such a soul bond.

Given this is a new kind of rejection for me I am wandering a bit lost these days. Most rejections take place at a superficial level. I long mastered not feeling upset regarding superficial rejection, but soul rejection is new. The good news is I doubt I will ever experience soul rejection again. This type of a connection happens once in a life time. It has either expired for this life time or there is also the possibility the two souls will reunite to learn how to cope with the intensity of the connection. One can not run from a soul connections either. Once discovered it lives within us for eternity.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have to heal. I have to heal my soul. The first step is to admit I feel rejected. That allows my ego to step aside for the moment. Truthfully, so what………..I got my feelings hurt deeply. It does not change anything about the situation. It does not severe the connection. It does not fix the issues so the energy can be managed. It simply means to me I need to let go of my bruised ego. I accepted I feel rejected, now I move on in peace. It is like any kind of rejection that happens being upset serves no purpose at all, only the healing matters today.

It Is Always About Me

It Is Always About Me

In searching through the rubble of a broken romance I had to get real with yourself. That getting honest part is never a fun process. It is much easier to just blame the other person. Everyone that loves me will happily allow me to just point the finger without shame. Of course, I did nothing wrong. It has to be all him.

In the quiet of the night, when no one else is around, the truth begins to surface. What role did I play? Covered in the drape of “I did it out of love or I only wanted the best for him” the realization becomes I was in the way of love.

How am I in the way of love? How did I give selflessly and it becomes a negative impact to a relationship? Well, it becomes unhelpful when I started to get in the way of him walking his own path. Instead of being a quiet observer I wanted to get in there and help with all the struggles. I could not stand to the watch the pain of the journey. I was impatient with how life was unfolding.

Why on earth this showed up in this relationship I do not know. I was a teacher for God sake. I know how to be patient as people learn for experiences. I do not get involved in my own children’s growth. I guide them, but allow them the freedom to grow emotionally. So why did I get so wrapped up in another soul’s journey. The answer is simple, because he is just like me!

I can easily observe others growing pains patiently. I can be supportive and helpful, without being a roadblock. I do, however, get in the way of my own growth and being so close to another soul I got in the way of his. The hardest part to admit is I simply was projecting my own judgement, impatience and lack of love for myself on to him. When I am disturbed about something in someone else it is never about him or her. It is ALWAYS about me. It is about my lack of tolerance for my own growth, shortcomings or insecurities. That’s huge piece of humble pie to swallow. Being so much alike, in so many ways, I saw myself in him. I saw what I hate about me. I wanted to change that, but the mistake is trying to change that reflection of myself in another soul. I have to change that in me, not anyone else.

Today, I sit with the wreckage I caused. All hope is not lost. Today, for the first time, I accept my shortcomings. I do not need to be perfect. It is ok if I struggle with personal growth. It is ok to make mistakes for that is how I learn. Once I am comfortable in my own skin, watching another walk his or her path is not upsetting. Relationships, especially soul connections, reflect back to us what we need to address. I knew this intellectually, I did not however know how to address it spiritually until now.

So how does this look in reality? Well, it plays out in several ways. First, the new insight has to manifest in observable behavior changes. The personal growth is useless unless it can enhance your life for the better. Second, the lesson learned can be taken to new relationships to enhance those interactions. The failed situation can be left to rest between the two people. Third, the two people involved in the failed situation can agree to allow the new insight to develop between them to see if healing and emotional safety can occur. I would say how the behavior changes appear in your life depends on the depth and love of the failed situation. With distance from the wreckage and new found light in spiritual development, on the parts of both souls, in this situation, we are going to allow the new to play out in a friendship first. There is an open door to allow all possibilities to develop. What must take place before anything, is an emotionally healthy interaction between both souls. All souls are different. All souls need different things at different time. In this case there is a deep seated connection that does not want do be abandoned. In that case, the only option is to be healthy together.

From greatest pain comes the greatest growth. No matter what happens, I am forever changed. I truly accept and love myself. It was only now that I can truly love another.

No Accident

No Accident

I am fragile right now. Perhaps, one of the most fragile times of my life. I have been going through the worlds’s longest break up. Someday, I will have clarity regarding why my connection with this soul is so turbulent. Today I do not. The only purpose to share this is to say I am exceedingly fragile emotionally.

I firmly believe anyone that comes into your life is there for a reason. In the darkest moments, I had someone appear. Like all most significant soul encounters it happened under a series of unusual circumstance. We had been in plain sight of each other for some time and could have naturally crossed paths, but that did not happen. The meeting was not that simple. There is no accident in I receive just the right messages at the right time from this person. It is certainly not profoundly wise words to most people, however for me it is coming in perfect timing. This is an unique encounter, because I have been accept as is today. That is baffling to me, because I feel so broken and not whole. I am unsure how to respond to a soul looking at me and telling me I am fine as is for I have never heard those words.

I did learn a new term, kindred spirits. I had to search the meaning for I did not know what it truly meant. Here is what I found.

Kindred Spirits
Kindred Spirits are two people that make a special connection by sharing a bond that has joined them by the means of an experience that has drawn them together on a higher level of consciousness. This connection can be from the same experience at the same time or two separate experiences similar in nature.
If two people were in a dramatic situation and had to depend on each other in order to get out of the situation or one having to help rescue the other, they would become bonded as kindred spirits. Oftentimes, a couple will meet that had both come from very bad past situations in a relationship; a bond is then reached because an understanding of what the other had been through where they feel no one else truly understands, through this the have become kindred spirits.

by Carol Ann Kidder October 18, 2006

The meaning of kindred spirits brings a sense of peace and calmness in the mist of drama. I have to believe there is not accident in this meeting. It is a place I feel safe. A safety that has not been present in life, maybe ever. Very few souls have looked at me with an acceptance of who I am. Certainly, the concept of allowing myself to be or I am human is not one I have ever entertained in the past. There is simply a quiet acceptance of who I am without conditions or expectations. Of course, since this is a human experience, there are human traits that arise. I have been given the freedom to heal from my hurts in my own time before being pushed into areas of the human experience that I am not ready for now. Certainly, until I am done grieving the illusion of loss I am experiencing I am not emotionally available. The illusion of loss. I think it might be an illusion. For it seems I am gaining so much more being a kindred spirit.

“I like You, Because You Are An Adult”

“I Like You, Because You Are An Adult.”

That statement might be an odd one to hear given I have been an adult for quite some time. I remember the precise moment, I realize I was an adult. It was freshman year of college, all of sudden I was called a woman and not a girl. Now allow me to qualify, that was when society recognized me as adult. I actually did not become an adult women until decades later.

I spend most of my twenties and thirties not being emotionally mature at all. As always, I had men in my life that enable me to be somewhat of a spoiled princess. A hard character flaw to own, but the truth. I have had more than one soul mate in my life. I had been madly in love with an unavailable man. Yes, I was very much married, but life happens and we do not choice who we fall in love with in our journey. I spent the better part of 15 years being ashamed of myself, shouldering the judgment of my peers and myself. I just could not help myself I was crazy about him.

He was older, not by a lot, but enough to be wiser than me. He was my mentor, my best friend, and very briefly a lover. I was a spoiled rotten immature woman, never fully appreciating what he gave me and how he enriched my life. Frankly, I owe much of the woman I am today to how he cared for me and guided me. He encouraged me to pursue activities I would never dream I could do. I started my fitness journey with him. The day I found myself expecting unexpectedly he assured me I would be an amazing mom. For 15 years, we talked on the phone nearly everyday. He truly was the love of my life, so I thought. He promised we would always be friends. Then one day, he just simply got tired of my immature selfish behavior. In his defense, I would have left me far sooner than he did. When he left my world crumbled. I never made a move in life without his impute. I was alone for the first time, and I had not yet become the adult woman I should have been.

I hit rock bottom, as they say. The only thing I knew to do was begin praying. I simply prayed for peace and joy. It actually began to work. At the same time I started reading spiritually sights online. I began to realize how much I lacked positive energy. I began to mediate. I started my journey to being a mature soul.

I know he keeps an eye on me from a distance. I suppose that might feel a bit creepy, yet I feel it is not. It is like a teacher knowing about a student. I moved on from that relationship. I did make amends to him for how I was with him. From time to time we send a text to each other and he did reach out to me when my father passed. That is how I know he somehow knows what how I am.

As I had coffee with a new friend recently, the comment came, “I like you, because you are an adult.” A comment that seems humorous to me, seeing I had just shared the events and situation of my life as it is today. To me, my life looks like a hot mess. I am not at all where I had planned or wanted to be at age 46. This person’s reply was life is messy. What makes me an adult is how I handle it. Maybe my life is a hot mess, but that doesn’t mean I am a hot mess. I simply cope with what is place in front of me today. I have an amazing support system of friends and family, but I do not rely on anyone emotionally like I did in the past.

I often think of my friend, who protected me for so long. It might be a smile that comes across my face remembering a joke we shared. I even hear words of advice still from him. The greatest act of kindness he ever did for me was cut me free. I would never had become an adult woman if he had not. I believe we have many, many soul mates that drift in and out of our lives, at certain time, for certain reasons.

I use to see my life as tragic. It is not a “normal” life. It is not neat and tidy. It is messy. It could be considered a scandal on many levels. That is only in the eyes of society. Frankly, I have bigger lessons to master on my journey. My lessons do not fall into the expectations of society’s norms. My life never has and I have long abandoned the need for my life to do so. What I have learned is to never allow my lessons on my journey to hurt other souls. A skill I did not master earlier in life. Today, I would not be involved in such connections if others could be hurt by it. We grow, we learn and we do better when we know better. It is all we can really count on in life.

You Must Be Who You Are Not To Know Who You Are

You Must Be Who You Are Not To Know Who You Are

I have come out of a fog recently. My soul had been caged. My spirit had been muted. My energy was reduced. I only have myself to blame.

I lost myself for awhile. I lost myself in love. The kind of unconditional love that makes you become who you are not in the name of love. What I have learned is I will never again lose who I am for another soul. You see in the end, being anything I was not did not keep the love alive. I gave unconditionally and I received conditional love. Those are two very different loves. Unfortunately, it has taken others to point out that my soul is beautiful as is. I wish I was whole enough to recognize that myself. What I do recognize is I am very strong willed. I can not suppress my soul for anyone.

It was in the darkest moments I felt my soul coming back. I felt the girl I am surfacing. She had gone to sleep for so long. Why did I allow her to sleep? I allowed her to sleep, because my soul mate said he could not accept her so she went away. She become who he needed. In the end, he decided he did not need her any longer.

I suppose that is a sad ending, however it is not the ending. The girl woke up! In waking up she is attracting the right souls to her. She attracting the souls that are allowing and assisting in healing. She is attracting souls that are giving guidance in next steps. She is calling to her, with her awakened energy, the help she needs to be herself again. Surrounding by acceptance and love she will return to her full self.

I am not a victim in life. I made my choices. I even think I knew in making such choices I was going to lose myself for a bit. It really is all ok. I learned how to love unconditionally. I learned what conditional love feels like. Now, I will never allow myself to be loved conditionally ever again. The truth is conditional love never has to do with the short coming of others. If one is loving conditionally it is in reaction to traits that one hates in oneself. Others simply reflect back what we dislike in oneself. In a place of unconditional love you accept your flaws and other without question and peace. Now is my time to seek unconditional love.

“I Wish You Would Get Angry”

“I wish you would get angry” the words I heard from my therapist today. I have spent the rest of the day reflecting on that. I have reached deep inside to search for anger. I am wise enough to know that unexpressed anger can be fatal. Have I suppressed anger? Did I bury it? I have never been one to hide my anger ever in life, so this is a perplexing situation I find myself in today. My therapist said you should be angry with some issues in your life. I just think I spent so much of my life being angry I finally used it all up.

I do feel some other emotions, but anger is not one of them. I think in the last few weeks I just decided to stop being anger about anything that happens. I am not choosing to ignore life or live in denial. I just find if I feel angry it washes over me quickly so I can reach a place of understanding. My therapist says you give too much unconditional love. I thought about that too. On the surface, that looks like I am compromising my own values and self for another. Honestly, I give unconditional love, because it make me feel good. It took a lot of years for me to learn love makes me feel good and anger makes me feel bad. It is a very simple concept that took an enormous amount of time to learn. Honestly, I claim no responsibility in learning this either. Frankly, the anger was just taken from me. I am not sure I have the complete power to forgive on my own and release anger. After all, I certainly was not born with the skill. I believe it comes from a place of divine intervention.

I think you get to a point in life in which you ask yourself what it the point of carrying anger? If I have anger it gets in the way of loving others. It gets in the way of embracing the beauty of life. Anger only brings me true misery. Oh, I can make others miserable with my anger, but in the end, it poisons me.

I am going to be truthful, I have seen a lot of shit in my life, unfair shit, mean shit, nasty shit, selfish shit, rude shit, and angry shit. For me to hold upset and anger for these experiences just destroys my soul.
Truthfully, all the issues that bring anger have nothing to do with me. That is someone else’s fears and lack of ability to love.

So to my therapist, I would love to get angry, but I just don’t have it in me. At least not today and I hope not tomorrow. I would like to think that emotion is now quickly felt, passes and is replaced with compassion, empathy and love. It is the damnedest thing, in the middle of the darkest events, your emotional self grows the most. I guess in the past, I was too angry to grow. Today, I just accept life on life’s terms. Yesterday was a day like that. I should have been angry for a lot of reasons. When the shock wore off, I laughed at my situations.

Today I give thanks that I am all out of anger. Thank God I used it up. May you use your anger up and love too much…………it is fabulous when you get there!

The Truth In All We Do

It took me a long time to understand honesty. I don’t mean in the sense as we learn to tell the truth as young children. I mean it took me a long time to learn to be truthful with myself.

I actually felt I had a better understanding of being truthful with myself as a teenager. I remember having a good sense of self as a young adult. Where things got screwy was sometime in my twenties. I stopped listening to my intuition at about that time. I can’t really tell you why I stopped listening to myself. I would say the simplest answer is just a lack of self-confidence in listening to what felt right or wrong. Everything around me felt wrong so I learned to accept that life feels bad. I had no understand of intuition or spiritual wellness at the time.

I spent until I hit forty living in misery. Looking back on it, I had a good life. Nothing is much different today than then. It is more about how I cope with life or my out look. In my late thirties I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was depressed and felt unfulfilled. As a matter of fact, I was so gloomy people use to remark all the time they did not understand why I was so unhappy with all the blessings I had. I do believe some of my inability to find joy was I have celiac disease that was not diagnosed. I just felt sick all the time. I seemed to peak after my second child was born. The disease became debilitating. I would spend weeks at a time in bed, with no really reason as to why I felt ill. As with all affairs in my life that become unmanageable, I started to pray.

I have shared before I am not a religious person, however I was raised in a religious setting. I had learned as a small child to pray. One thing I did know for sure, since birth, was there is a higher power. I never had that doubt. I remember being a child feeling and embracing the powers beyond what I could see. I could readily feel angels, spirit guides, or intuition with me at all times. In fact, I believe, during imaginary play, I had dialogues with my guides. I simply have memories of singing, dancing, playing and chattering away with a sense of joy and peace. Looking back, I could simply write it off as normal child’s play, but I believe today it was more than that.

I come from a family with highly developed in metaphysical gifts. My mother’s brother could remember his pass lives. As a child, he would remark, as traveling around their home town, of living in places before or the places he had been. He recently shared this story with our family once again. We kind of laugh about it together. His grandson, as a small child, talked to angels and departed souls. My mother has telepathic connections and physic knowings. I feel badly for her, because her physic knowings can be frightening. Once, she got very ill in church, physically ill. She closed her eyes and say the word death. The next day, she read in the newspaper four people had been killed at a four-way stop by the church at the time she felt ill. My oldest daughter shares the gifts of her mother and grandmother. Being so young, it often scares her to feel what she does. For example, she knew my father was going to pass several days before he did. She was with me and my mother during a surgery he had and his recovery. All had gone well, my daughter and I needed to return home, but I was going back to my hometown to help my mother once my dad was home recovering. The day before my dad was to come home he died suddenly of a heartache while in the hospital. As the story goes, the evening we left to go home, I could not get my daughter to leave the hospital. She kept telling me she did not want to leave him. In the hospital lobby she sobbed and sobbed, I could not get her leave. Finally, I told her we had to go home, but would return later that week to see him. I told her he would be fine. The truth is she knew. She later shared that she knew he was going to die. As you can see the family all share some kind of unearthly gifts. We never really talk about them and certainly do not embrace them. Since none of what we experience is rooted in logic we dismiss what happens.

My intuition is highly developed. I have a knowing about the outcome of events before they happen. I can see a clear picture of what will happen in a situation before it happens. By all rights, I have no idea how I know. Time and time again what I feel will happen does happens. It is not just tied to me, either. I can see these events in reference to others lives as well. As a young adult it was maddening to cope with this trait. I would get so angry being able to share what a person should do to avoid disaster and have my warnings ignored. Eventually, I stopped sharing what I knew. I would just quietly watch it unfold. I suppose with age I learned that everyone has to walk their own path. I started to simply use my intuition to guide myself and not others unless I was certain they wanted my knowledge. I had to learn how to cope with my gift in a way that I could be at peace and allow those around me to walk their own journey, even if I knew the path they took was going to be a hard lesson.

So back to my awakening…………I began to pray for an answer to my health issues. It took several years, but the knowledge of what to do came. That knowledge never came from a doctor either. Once I felt better it seemed my outlook on life improved a great deal. That is when I was able to embark on a spiritual journey of the truth. The truth of what was inside me. I started to eliminate any and all that was not serving me in a positive way. I learned to accept God’s plan and not fight His timing. In the simplest terms, I learned to let go. I let go of childhood hurts. I learned to forgive everyone that ever caused me pain. I came to realize that true joy came from forgiveness. You forgive for you not the other person.

All of this lead me to the last three years of my life. I was given an opportunity to love unconditionally, learn to be vulnerable with another soul is ways that are unimaginable and I had more awakens. I learned the importance of living in the moment. I learned that my plan is not God’s plan. The greatest lesson is I learned that if you love someone you set them free to walk his or her path. I also know with certainty, just because we walk different paths today, there is no universal law that says we will not walk a shared path ever again.

You might ask do you have a knowing about the outcome of this event. I absolutely do! It is curse to know the outcome and not see the clear path ahead of you. I will not share what I know will transpire. If I share it could alter the outcome of the experience. It is not my job to intervene in another soul’s journey unless I am called upon. Today, I have been clearly asked to leave. If and when I am invited back I will go graciously with an open heart. A heart that is healed and full of love. I need to have a heart healed heart full of love to move on with my own life as well. It does not serve me to be full of anger or upset. It makes no sense to be upset over God’s plan. It is like a small child throwing a tantrum because a parent does not give her or him what is desired. I trust the plan. I trust my truth. I am honest with myself today. If I could ever pass one piece of wisdom along in life it would be to find truth and honesty with yourself. It is the path to peace.

More Will Be Revealed

To the angel that taught me this concept, you gave me the greatest gift of life. Without it today, I would be a lost soul in darkness.

There is nothing more frustrating in life than to not understand the path in front of you. I am not sure if I was taught that or it is innate, but, I like a plan. It does not have to be a plan written in stone, but I like an outline of what I might like to see happen.

I learned when I was a teacher that plans were never written in stone and how to react in a moments notice to regroup and redirect. I am very comfortable altering a plan. I feel the best outcomes are having a plan and being able to just roll with it when the plan is not working. Frankly, it got to the point that I would just jot down a rough idea of what was going to happen in a class period then let it unfold. I always had the ideas focused on a end goal, but how I got there seemed irrelevant. As long as my students were achieving success, I didn’t much care about strict lesson plans. I would say I transferred that philosophy over into parenting as well. We have some goals set, a rough plan and we just let it happen.

Now, here comes my battle. It is an internal battle. What happens when the plan falls totally apart? What happens when you think you understand your path in life and it all of a sudden changes. It feels like being lost. I am talking about knowing in your heart the end of the story still feels like your soul’s mission, yet, right now, in this moment, the path is unclear. When your control of even just regrouping and redirecting is not an option how do you cope. I have found myself in that place a lot in my life recently. The plan just doesn’t even exist anymore. Well, at least, it feels like the plan doesn’t exist. There is a plan. It’s a great plan. It is a plan that I could never even imagine for myself.

Frankly, it is a great blessing that God does not let me handle all the planning. He creates a life far better for me than I could ever imagine. Much like the lesson plans I use to create for my students, when allowed to unfold, it is better than I could ever imagine. However, when the vision becomes really unclear fear takes over. It is natural to feel afraid when you feel lost. It is at this time, I really, really have to ask for guidance from above. I am not highly religious, but I am very spiritual. I certainly believe every thing happens for a reason in life. I knew this since I was a small child. My problem is trusting that a higher power is in control and I will be ok. I will be better than ok.

So what I do in the dark scary night, when the demons of your mind like to play, is pray. The best way to start is beginning finding things that are right in my life. I really have more blessings than hardship. The next step is ask for help. Pray for an outcome you would like to see. I like to keep my intentions focused on prayers for healing for others and myself. I understand that if I am in a painful situation that there is healing needed for me and likely, other people. So I pray that I get the guidance for the next best step. I pray that the other souls involved receive healing and peace. Then, and this huge, I ask for the ability to forgive any hurts I have received. Once, I forgive I can heal. Lastly, I turn it all over to God knowing I am powerless over my life. I can only ask for the signs to know how to make the highest spiritual choices that are aligned with His plan. In the end, you see, God is in charge. His plan happens in divine timing not on my timeline.

I will not lie and say it is not hard sometimes to find the blessings in a very hurtful event. There is always, always, always, something positive to be grateful for in even the most horrible situations. If you can find the positive, you can find peace then healing can take place. Once you start to heal then more can be reveal as to where the path is going.

The Sign

I find if I quietly wait, and ask God for answers or directions they always come to me. The key is to know what to look for around you. There is nothing placed in your path or pain view that was not intended to be clue to the next step in life. Some of the signs are subtle and some are profound. It is as if life is a giant game. Each step of the way you need to roll the dice or spin the wheel to find out how to progress to the end of the game. Along the way you see clues to how to proceed next in your life. I have found the messages come from all kinds of sources.

I live my life fully aware of all around me. Higher messages from God come from people, nature or just subtle feelings. I find myself in never ending doubt of my own intuition. Even though, I have been blessed with a keen sense within myself, an inner knowing of how I should proceed in life, if I do not see it manifesting around me I begin to have self doubt and fear. The truth is I know before I can actually see the manifestation before me. You would think having a gift like this since birth and endless validations that my keen sense never fails me would be enough. Yet, I live in doubt of my own gifts.

I always speech about not knowing how matters will proceed or end up. It is true when I am confused, hurt, tired, or lost I do not know. My radar is down. At these times I pray for guidance. If I can get to a place of peace, God always shows me the way. Given the last week, last year or last three years have been horribly challenging I find myself in continuous prayer. If I am present God always delivers a sign for the next right step. You can only see the messages if you are very aware and do not dismiss something that catches your eye. The simple fact you have your attention draw to a person, part of nature or feeling is a way God is speaking to you.

I happen to know how my situation will end up with my love. I know already. It has not, yet even transpired. How do I know? First, I know from a gut feeling. Of course, since I already said I doubt my own God given gift that is not enough. God, being patience as He is with his children, then presents more information that
seems more concrete. In this case, I have been so lost in my own guidance system He has not once, twice or three times sent me the same message from different people, but He has given the same message to me five times. At first, I thought the message was coming from well meaning people that hated to see me in pain. Finally, after the fifth person delivered the same exact, almost word for word dialogue I paused to realize this meant something. I began to think this is not people giving me words I want to hear, it is words they believe about my life, an outcome they see. Ironically, following this light bulb moment, I came upon an article that supported the information I was receiving. I am not going to disclose what I have learned. I will simply say, time is of the essence here. That my life is unfolding on God’s timeline and not mine.

It would be really nice if I had more faith in myself and God for that matter. I am still learning that in fear I panic. As my therapist say, when we are stressed we regress. I believe that with all my heart. Until I reach a new level of faith in myself, at least I can know for sure God will keep sending me the support to know what is the next step or at least knowledge of what will happen eventually. The most important thing right now is I must focus on self. It is easy to loss a sense of self in a deep emotional soul connection. I must focus on my true purpose here for awhile. Once I reestablish my purpose the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.

The Truth Appears In Your Sleep

I know I will be ok, but I am tired of having to be ok. In the last three years, my husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, my dad got sick and passed, my mom had cancer and my love broke up with two separate time. I am tired of having to figure how to be ok in the mist of so much.

They say God gives you what you can handle. I have no great words of wisdom from the journey of the last three years. I do know I have made peace with many I was having conflict with for decades. All the karma I had to clear to be at peace has happened. The one person that helped me clear my baggage has left. The only problem with that is I now share baggage with him.

I had a very bizarre dream last night. A dream I have never had. I was eating glass. As I spit out the glass my husband was frantically trying to piece the small bottle, that had been in my mouth back together. Parts of the bottle were missing. I had swallowed glass. I search the meaning of the dream. What it said frightened me. The meaning is that of fragility. It is the psyche working out oppressed feelings in your life. The meaning indicates a serious emotional issue. It is not surprising after the three years I have had I feel fragile. I feel like ever inch of my soul has been exposed and all my nerves are uncovered. It has reached such limit that my sleeping state must clear what my reality has become. The laughable part is I have not really been sleeping at all, when I do my psyche is house cleaning.

Now that I know what my head does on the pillow, I am beginning to question am I really ok? Do we say we are ok, because we wish it so? Maybe I say I am ok, because I want others to not be concerned. I don’t want to be the person that is not ok. I am trying to pick up the pieces of the last week. I need to start a new chapter in my life. I am meeting new people. I know I am eating glass in my sleep. I cringe at the thought. The truth is new friends do not want to know your life circumstances are such that you struggle every day to be ok.

I count my blessings each day. For I know things could be much worse and I have so much. The question is does my own mind believe it. The truth appears in your sleep.